calynelizabeth:

sometimes it really upsets me that my friends are so attractive

As I drove home from school, halfway through the day, I found my self daydreaming about you again. I was listening to Mumford and Sons and I would like it if you played your guitar and sang me a song or something for me sometime.

And suddenly, I am alone. This weekend, filled with emotions and dancing my heart out and friends have left me an empty shell, unaware of the future and craving the past of which I know so well, now. Those friends, my lovely friends, I am now avoiding eye contact with. When trust is broken, I panic. My sleep pattern is disturbed, along with what I eat and how I think. Everything is slightly tilted, and I struggle to set my off-kilter conscience straight again. The year is coming to an end and now I feel that it is tainted, that something is wrong. I don’t feel comfortable with anyone anymore, and I am constantly holding my tongue. I had a dream last night that I was back cruising along the Rhine; I was back in Innsbruck, in Cologne, in Lucerne. I wish for an escape at this point, to put my mind at some sort of ease.

I have a quick, 45-minute rehearsal after school, followed by a drive in the pouring rain to my Nanny’s to interview her for a finance paper. I go home, shower, eat some rice, and proceed to write my finance paper, do my comp assignment, my gov homework, start researching for my gov project, color in diagrams for anatomy, and study for calculus. It is almost 11pm. I have been doing homework for over 6 hours now. I still need to read 4 chapters of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, get my shit ready for tech tomorrow, oh and I never stopped at the drug store for hairnets. I really wanted to start my calc project tonight, too. And I wanted to go to the gym and I just didn’t have the time.

I’m a senior. I’m graduating in a month. Why am I the most stressed I’ve been all year, right now. What the hell.